SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Suffering through betrayal has made these past 55 days an incredibly painful journey—ever since I discovered my husband's affair and realized he had been spending our money on her.

Initially, I found the determination to leave, start fresh, and travel with my son as a way to heal. When I was firm in my decision, I felt somewhat safe.

But now that he has asked me to come stay with him in his country, my determination is wavering. I’ve noticed that the moment I lose that firm resolve, the intense pain and memories come rushing right back.

Reconsidering and letting my heart soften only reopens my vulnerability.

I can't deny my feelings for him or the good times we shared, but reopening that door feels like reopening the wound. I never revealed to him that I missed or loved him after discovering the affair—would showing those feelings be a betrayal to myself?

I'm sharing this to seek perspective: Has anyone else experienced this cycle where doubting your decision brings the pain back full force? Is it truly possible to rebuild after this level of emotional and financial betrayal, or how could any couple possibly move past something like this as if it never happened?

Has anyone else experienced this cycle where doubting your decision brings the pain back full force?

Yes. Oh, God, Yes.

Is it truly possible to rebuild after this level of emotional and financial betrayal,

Yes. With lots of work both individually and as a couple. If that what you both want after you each heal.

or how could any couple possibly move past something like this as if it never happened?

NO. It did happen and has to be dealt with or it festers, infects and explodes. Rugsweeping (as it called around here) never works.

Take all the time you need to figure it out - BUT if you are being pressured to STFU about it and move on as if nothing happened - that is a HUGE RED FLAG.

I started to write, but I stopped because I believe Chaos said it better than I could.

I'll add that 55 days is not enough time to heal. It's not even enough time to get out of shock for many of us. My reco is to keep focusing on you, your healing, figuring out what you want. Right now you're doubting your initial decision. Maybe you'll end up want to split. Maybe you'll find you really want to rebuild, but your H isn't a good enough candidate for whom to risk R. Maybe you'll both be willing to do the work necessary for R.

There's no shame is taking some time to figure out the best option for you. That's better than grasping the quickest, IMO.

Yes, I will give myself more time. I won't pack up to stay with him right now. Instead, I'll focus on myself: meditation, working out, dancing, healthy food, early sleep, and patience.

In my opinion it would be a huge mistake this soon to do something as drastic as relocate to another country. On average it takes two to three years just to get over the shock and trauma of discovering infidelity and years beyond that slowly trying to rebuild trust.

If you move to another country will you be totally dependent upon him? If so that gives him way too much power and control over the relationship and you just discovered two months ago that he had an affair. It seems to me that he wants you to move so that he can exert control over the relationship

Give yourself time to process through this. It was several months before I felt like my feet were back on solid ground and I could make decisions that were not based on fear

Something else that concerns me, he move to another country and left his son behind. What type of father does this? Not only did he abandon his wife by having an affair but then he moves to another country, abandoning both his wife and his son

My advice is to stay where you are. If you are not in IC please find a therapist that specializes in trauma.

May I ask what country he moved to?