Positivethoughts (original poster new member #87707) posted at 6:01 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2026
Hi. I have literally never posted in any forum before. But I really feel like I need to chat to people who have experienced similar to me. Basically I found out my husband had an affair in October 2025, we are altering to reconcile and I want to, but I am really struggling with sadness, hurt, mental movies and social media obsessions. I feel like I still think about it 99% of the time. First thing of a morning, last thing at night. And I suppose I want to know if this is normal, or should I be getting better by now? I don’t want to feel like this forever, but don’t know how to stop 🥺
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:23 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2026
Except for the SM obsession, sounds like me 10 months out, 15 years ago.
What have you been doing to heal? What has your WS been doing doing? What have you been doing to rebuild your M?
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
d-day - 12/22/2010 Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
Positivethoughts (original poster new member #87707) posted at 7:51 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2026
Thank you for replying. I’ve had a few counselling sessions which I stopped due to the cost and not feeling like I benefited. I’ve done NHS talking therapy and am waiting on someone to get back to me about EMDR. I’ve read a book and brought the journal. Exercise and walk. He’s changed his lifestyle completely, he used to go to a pub every night which is how he got to know her. That’s now changed, if he does go to a pub it’s a different one. Might sound small to some people but that pub was his life. He re assures me by leaving his phone round, I never check it tbh as I think anything that could ever be bad would be deleted anyway. He pretty much takes on board what I say, if I say I need you to do blah blah, he’s already done it. He gave me the full details of the affair and obviously cut off contact. He said he’d go to counselling with me but I wanted to do my own first.
Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 8:07 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2026
As already noted, based on the trauma of infidelity, you’re very normal at this stage of recovery.
It can be tough to focus on your healing if you don’t feel safe.
My wife had to show me change, show me she understood her poor boundaries and esteem issues, and she worked on them as well.
Her actions over time showed me I at least had a chance at rebuilding something.
It wasn’t the pub that made your WS cheat.
There are women at the new pub too.
Counseling is crazy expensive, but it does sound like it could help you both (him to understand what he needs to work on, and you to communicate you need more than him handing you his phone).
Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca
Positivethoughts (original poster new member #87707) posted at 8:24 PM on Saturday, August 22nd, 2026
Yes I would have loved to be able to continue the counselling but it just wasn’t possible at the time. I did jump into it a little too quick looking back. Maybe now would be better for me as I’ve had a little time to settle. I agree with you about showing actions. We actually talked about that today. Sometimes I do need words though, but sometimes I think no words are ever enough. Do I just want him to constantly say he’s sorry and he regrets it (probably 😂), but that’s not realistic. I do just wonder if the intensity of the hurt will ever really go away. I’ve always been sensitive and an over thinker, so u can imagine the way I’ve handled this. It just came so out of the blue to me. I think that’s the case with a lot of people though.
