How to get unstuck

I found out about my husbands massage parlor/sex addiction secrets 4 months ago. Since then he has consistently seen a csat and gone to SA meetings weekly. He did the "first step" this week. He’s been attentive and patient with me as I’ve refused intimacy for about a month now.

I’m in a strange state of numbness though. I’m outwardly going through the motions, letting him hug me and acting normal while my mind is constantly ruminating on his behavior and what ifs.

I Couldn’t imagine for a second that he would do something like this. I was utterly blindsided. I can’t stop imagining what else he could be hiding. (Also I’m listening to the betrayal podcast which maybe isn’t a great idea.) I’m thinking random thoughts like what if he’s a sexual predator? What if he had a relationship with one of his college students? What if he’s a psychopath? What if he turns out to be one of those husbands that tries to murder his wife? What if he’s just doing the steps and doing everything right because he’s hiding something worse? I have no evidence to believe any of this is true but I also had no evidence to believe he was being unfaithful.

As a person with this kind of anxiety I just don’t know how I can ever trust him again or if I left, how I would ever trust another relationship again anyway.

Has anyone dealt with this kind of anxiety and been able to work through it?

3 comments posted: Friday, August 21st, 2026

Who to tell?

I’m so lost. We closed on our dream home 1 week ago after surviving major financial infidelity 3 years ago. I had plenty of reason to divorce him then but my kids were young and I didn’t work.
Anyway a secret credit card came out in the closing process for the house. I found 2-4 instances of visiting massage parlors per year since 2022. He claims just HJ but the charges are $50 and $100 tip. Idk what else was happening in there. It also seems he hasn’t done it in over a year unless he paid cash. I can’t find any recent atm withdrawals though.

Anyway my point here is that I’m in the middle of moving into a home I can’t afford without his income. There are so many things with moving that are difficult and I do want his help with. So I’m letting him stick around until me and the kids are settled. We didn’t ask to be in the middle of moving chaos on our own. Then he’ll move in with his parents for hopefully a month. He doesn’t want to but I’m insisting he be uncomfortable.

I have told my bestie in NY but I haven’t told anyone in person. My therapist advised me not to "detonate anything yet". But I feel so fake when everyone asks if we’re excited about the move. I also feel so alone and want support of friends. But if I tell them and then we reconcile, it will be weird. It also might make him less agreeable in the divorce process.

How do you deal with this urge to lean on friends when you can’t yet?

10 comments posted: Wednesday, April 22nd, 2026