SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At the end of the day, the person that has to live with our decisions...

is ourselves.

Soolers-

My main point is that I find the stats to be unhelpful. There are always going to be stats that say do this and you will suffer, get this disease and you may die sort of thing. It takes the individual circumstances and make them seem negligible when they are often not. The details matter a lot. The part was my response to you. It wasn’t clear the rest of my thoughts were directed at Gemmy.

Generally, I do not agree with the statement and I am going to misquote you because your response is a page back and I can’t refer to it at the moment-trying to reconcile would be like staying to get beat the hell out of more. It dismisses the idea that no matter the marital outcome the pain of what is happening is going to suck. No one here advises someone to take more shit. We advise them to heal so they can make clear decisions and operate in their own best interests.

I believe that it’s the premise it’s never in their best interests to reconcile is probably always going to be the difference in how we think and I am okay with that, no amount of debating is going to change that. In many cases reconciliation is a viable and better option for a bs, in many cases divorce is a viable and better option for a bs. We try and empower them to get to the place the choice is clear.

And you asked—-generally I very rarely disagree with bluer than blue, especially not in her above post. Generally when I disagree with her is she finds a lot of things to be more conscious intentional behaviors in a ws than I do. I think that to be a minor difference as it doesn’t matter the why the behavior is occurring when it comes to opening your eyes and protecting yourself. Overall , I do think Bluerthanblue believes reconciliation does happen and I have seen her congratulate people when things are going better or seem to have reached a good point.

Furthermore, I feel her advice usually is tailored to the member specifically rather than having an overarching belief that everyone should head for a specific outcome. You have softened in some of your responses since you got here and surprise me from time to time. I just think some of the things you point at such as stats (which you can find any stat online to help with confirmation bias)are not really pertinent to an individual case.

You are getting married soon or have recently regardless of what stats say, and I trust that is a good decision for you and that you have thought it through. I generally trust all bs who come here the same way. I know some come and they are beaten down, and it will take them some time to arrive at a better place mentally. I simply trust that if they stay committed to their own healing they will grow and make a good decision for themselves. So I think a lot of the vets will center their advice more around that journey because that’s the one we have the most influence over. We often do not even meet their partner or know their perspective.

I also want to say I think this post was less personal in nature—it was about how to use the site so I do not really consider this a thread Jack. Gemmy, if I am misunderstanding please let me know. I remain dedicated to making sure you are getting what you need from what you are posting.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:48 PM, Friday, August 21st]

Not a thread jack at all. This one wasn't personal, and to be fair I learn quite a bit from thread jacks as well.

I agree with the original poster, take what is helping you heal and leave the rest. It got to a point where to protect what I wanted (reconciliation) I had to stay away from the general forum. 12 months ago, comments like "Reconciliation is making yourself open to continued abuse" would have sent me into a spiral, I can now read it and know it is simply not true for me. And I question the usefulness of such statements... infedelity being abuse and reconciliation means opening yourself to continued abuse is not a universal law, this wording makes it sound like reconciliation is inherently unsafe, comments like this I had to stay away from, these words had the ability to floor me in the early days, only because I didn't trust myself yet and that opinion became fact in my life, thankfully as the original poster implied, the advice was simply not for me, it will perhaps help othes on that path which is why this site is helpful, but the issue arises when people first come here, they won't trust themselves yet because their world has been shattered and learning to take what you need and leave the rest is also part of the journey. Protect your own healing at all costs and if something isn't encouraging or supporting that healing then you walk away, whether that's people, your marriage or a forum.

** Member to Member **

@Gemmy, Just to make it explicit, IMO you very often crystallize some of the best thinking and best advice on this or any other forum and do so so clearly that you're doing a great service, especially for new readers.

This thread is another of those threads. I pretty much expect something readable and very insightful now, but you have no obligation to meet my expectations.... Great work for yourself and your readers.

*****

..."Reconciliation is making yourself open to continued abuse" would have sent me into a spiral, I can now read it and know it is simply not true for me.

This is another example of DRS's misunderstanding R.

Committing to R is not throwing oneself into prison. It's a choice, and choices can be remade.

*****

@DRS, Thanks for the citations. The thing is: one ought to vet the citations before citing them. If one doesn't, one may simply repeat disinformation.

Here are the results of my quick check.

Allen, E. S., & Atkins, D. C. (2012). Journal of Family Psychology, 26(1), 74–85.

This study is often cited. It’s based on 19 couples. Any relationship between this study and reality is purely coincidental. The authors' highest degrees should be withdrawn - they certainly didn't understand the statitics and probability class they probably took as undergrads.

Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. (2003). Journal of Family Issues, 24(5), 602–626. –

This study is based on 208 people surveyed from 1970-1997. Not statistically valid.

Knopp, K., et al. (2017). Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(8), 2301–2311.

From the study: 'Although there is a large body of research addressing predictors of relationship infidelity, no study to our knowledge has specifically addressed infidelity in a previous relationship as a risk factor for infidelity in a subsequent relationship. The current study addressed risk for serial infidelity by following adult participants (N = 484) longitudinally through two mixed-gender romantic relationships.'

Not statistically valid.

Wagner, E., & Nickerson, K. (2026). Clinical Review of Post-Infidelity Outcomes.

From https://www.psypost.org/new-study-shows-romantic-relationships-can-actually-improve-after-the-crisis-of-an-affair/

‘After cleaning the data to remove incomplete responses, the final sample included 3,429 respondents. The sample consisted of 1,151 commitment-breaking partners and 2,278 betrayal-experiencing partners. The participants were predominantly female, with about 74 percent identifying as women. Most respondents were between the ages of 40 and 49, college-educated, married, and had children....'

‘The analysis provided evidence that preserving the relationship is highly probable among individuals actively seeking information on affair recovery....'

Not statistically valid, but cause for optimism among SIers who want to R.

Here's another for you, unasked. Shirley Glass stated in NOT "Just Friends' that of the couples she treated who stated they wanted to R at the beginning of therapy, only 20% split. Now, if Glass were only still alive and clonable....

BTW, the authors argue in their article is that R works much better than most people think it can, and argument no on here makes. The most anyone here makes is that it worked better than anyone would expect for them, in their specific case.

*****

Look, AI is useful for many things. BUT IT'S NOT LOGICAL TO ACCEPT THE RESULTS WITHOUT CHECKING!

You're as driven by emotions as the next guy, DRS.

And you've made an argument that is not backed up by your sources.

*****

Everybody - remember to vet the sources you cite.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:40 PM, Saturday, August 22nd]