SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just signed up today, my main goal is to figure out who my fiancee is (whether I actually know her or not).

We've been together 8 years.

The first years were amazing, from the beginning we had tons of chemistry. Close like best friends. Love spending time together. She was very attractive to me, at the same time I loved her values and personality, and we just got along amazingly.

So after 4 years of being together, she got mad at me one day and told me she had cheated on me after we were together for 3 months in a relationship. (We started living together shortly after we met).

Her excuse is that in her country (Mexico. I'm from the US), if you don't officially ask someone to be your girlfriend, you're not really in a relationship. Even though I told her I really liked her, and we were living together, etc. Before I left for winter break (I was in university at the time) I told her I really liked her, I'm not seeing anyone, and that if she sleeps or kisses anyone or is intimate, I would want to break it off. Basically explaining that I want to be exclusive with her, and I'm not seeing anyone else, etc.

When I came back a month later, I asked her if she had been intimate with anyone. She got upset and asked me how could I even think that about her, she's appalled I could even consider it, of course she didn't etc.

Well 4 years later I found out she had gone to a party, and from what she told me, just basically slept with some guy she met that same night.

Here's my story, pasting it from another thread:

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I struggle with this too. I always play out the same story, try to fill in the blanks, from what my fiancee told me:

My fiancee has told me when she cheated on me she went to a party, slept with some guy she met that night.

She was angry and gave me all the details. When I asked her why, she said "I don't know... he was looking at me like I was prey and it turned me on" - something to that effect. They were playing beer pong, it was some college type party.

What kills me is that she made me wait like a month, 4 dates or so, before we became intimate.

And with this guy she just gave it up to him at some random party, meeting him the first time.

The worst thing is she told me "I got tested after, and everything turned out OK, I don't have anything" so she didn't even use a condom.

And if you met her she seems like the most innocent good girl you've ever met, not flirtatious or provocative at all.

It's kind of a mind-f*ck.

I found this out after 4 years of being with her, living together etc...

I totally trusted her but after finding that out, I ask myself if I even know who this person is....

Which is why I'm here. Because I thought she was the love of my life. I'm trying to figure out who this person actually is. And whether I should try to make it work, or risk not finding that type of connection again. (This isn't my first relationship so I know how hard it is to find a true connection).

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There's other small details I can go in to.

I thought I was a good judge of character, and smeller of bullcrap, but either she is truly conflicted and is a good person... or she is an amazing actor and playing me very well.

If I would have found out in the beginning, I would have just broken off.

But we had already grown so close, it was hard to do that after 4 years, I wanted to make it work.

We're at the 8 year mark now... and she is my fiancee.

For work I had to move away, I live in the US, and she's still in Mexico. I fly back once a month or so to see her for a few days.

There were some small details and small lies that I don't know enough to know if she had cheated on me or not. But for example she went out and didn't tell me. I have no idea if she did anything, I can't prove it, but I caught her in the lie. Maybe she just wanted to go out and didn't want to worry me, since I had told her it bothered me that she went out by herself. Admittedly, in Mexico it's a lot more normal for girls to go out by themselves and just enjoy music (I confirmed with random people in her city that I trust to give me honest advice, that don't know her) and it's not like in the US, where it's almost strictly to find someone for the night / to meet someone.

Anyhow, I'm here to try to get tips on how to figure out whether she is being honest. I'm hoping to get advice from the investigation side of things.

To either figure out if I can trust her, and invest in the relationship and get married... or figure out the harsh truth before we get married and potentially make things much more complicated down the line.

Reid,

I have to say, you must be the fastest person in history to reach 50 posts! A lot of those threads you posted on have been dormant for some time, so you may not see much activity, just so you know. It’s also August, and I think a lot of people are vacationing.

To your post: you haven’t given us much to work with…the only thing you’ve told us is that she cheated on you and sometimes lies to you. Based on that how are we going to tell you that you can trust her?

As to her story, if she didn’t think it was cheating, then what is she "confessing" to, you know?

As for how you can see if she’s honest while she’s in Mexico and you’re here, I really have no idea, other than to hire a private investigator to see if she’s stepping out on you. Maybe one other idea is to show up unannounced and see what that reaction’s like.

Good luck.

I think there's a deeper issue at play here, and that is the deep suspicion you still hold. It's been 4 years since DDay. What have the two of you done during those 4 years to heal from her early infidelity? How has she rebuilt trust? It sounds like she hasn't done enough - maybe she hasn't done anything but sweep it all under the rug.

You can investigate and spy on her from afar and try to gauge whether she's telling you the truth, but what exactly are you looking for? Is the absence of evidence going to convince you of her faithfulness? Or will you continue to harbor doubts throughout your marriage? I suspect it'll be the latter, especially if you've avoided discussing her infidelity for all these years.

Marriage needs to have open and honest lines of communication. It needs a foundation of deep trust. You'll be putting half of your property, your health, and your future well-being in your fiancee's hands, but you're not even sure if she's being faithful right now. Think about spending the next 30 years of your life wondering how often she has cheated on you.

Rather than looking for investigation tips, I suggest that you do the work to heal from her cheating, and you insist that she does the work along with you. That's the best chance you have for healthy future together.

Thank you guys for your responses.

I'll write up a better description with more details of what's going on soon.

I think the Investigative section of the website might help me the most, so I am going to get the premium membership today to access it. I think technology is the only way I'll find out, without having the fly down and spend thousands of dollars.

I may well be in the minority here but you’re not even married. She failed the GF test early, and then LIED TO YOU for 4 years. For the love of man, please do not marry this woman. Has there been some kind of miraculous transformation of her inner character? It’d be helpful to describe such a massive change in her if such has in fact occurred. Sure doesn’t sound like it from what you’ve described, where she tossed out an extremely lame excuse why it was ok to do what she did…..