SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m 48M, she’s 39F. 10+ years together. I just found out she has been having an affair with her 60-year-old married boss for almost a year. At least once a month when they travel together.

I met him a few times at the company Christmas party, etc.

She was totally new to an industry and working super hard to make a name for herself and a better life for both of us. I was so proud and worked really hard to support her. We had big dreams and were getting closer to our goals because of it.

She was traveling a lot, and the lack of communication when she was away was the first red flag.

In the beginning, she’d usually message when she landed at the airport, then when she arrived at her hotel. She’d text me when she went out to dinner, call later in the evening before bed. Gradually, all of them stopped.

When she was home, I told her that she was acting like she was single. Like she didn’t have a responsibility to me to check in once in a while. I didn’t need to hear her every move, but it was starting to just feel like something was going on.

She left on another work trip the other day at 3 p.m., and I didn’t hear from her until the next day. I knew something was up.

When she was home throughout the week, we’d usually leave work roughly around the same time and coordinate when to meet home, have dinner, etc.

In the last few months, she got increasingly vague. I’d wait to hear from her until after 5 p.m. or ask when she was leaving. But after a few separate occasions of her working late, I started asking, "Where are you?"

She’d say, "Driving home."

And the assumption was—from the office… but it happened a few more times.

Next time, I asked, "From where?"
And she said, "From the bar."

She went out to the bar with her boss after work to supposedly discuss business. I told her then that it seemed like she was deliberately keeping things from me. And I wanted to know next time -before she goes out to the bar.

It started happening more and more frequently.

She got snippy at one point and said I was "keeping tabs on her." And I second-guessed myself and backed off.

Over the last couple weeks, I was really vocal about working harder on us and how we need to communicate more. She said we could move closer to her clients or out to the country (our plan) and told me I should get a dog because I was lonely.

That’s all something I considered and truly wanted, but I didn’t know it was also just a distraction from her truth.

This past Saturday afternoon, I had an awful feeling and went through her phone when she was in the shower. Sure enough. Messages with her boss.

I only scrolled back far enough to see some recently where they said, "I love you," "Love you too," "Miss you"… "Wish we were in the hot tub together," etc.

I took screenshots immediately and put it down within seconds of her coming out of the shower.

I maintained composure for about an hour before it started surfacing.

I asked her if she could be honest with me. She knew something was wrong and agreed. I just kept asking her over and over to tell me what was going on. I said, "You’ve been acting like a cheater, and I know something is going on."

She denied it over and over until I said, "Tell me now and I MIGHT be able to forgive you… otherwise I’m leaving and we’re done."

She said, "I think my boss has feelings for me." That’s it.

Then I just kept asking:

"Really? Nothing has happened between you ever?!"

Little by little, the truth came out. She said they’ve been intimate every month for the last year, while on their work trips out of town.

I asked if she loved him, and she said she didn’t know, that she was confused.
She said she was relieved to finally tell me and wanted it to end.

I packed a bag. Sick to my stomach. Devastated.

She’s been begging and pleading, but I haven’t answered her calls.

It’s been about 3 days now. I’m staying at random roadside motels. I cut off all contact with her, but I’m a wreck.

I just found this sub, and there’s a whole lot of acronyms that I don’t know.

Lots of book recommendations, etc., but I don’t have any attention span right now.

I’m lost, devastated, heartbroken, and drunk every night. Just in crisis/survival mode. I’m just trying to figure out where to "sleep" and maybe eat. Get some more beer and try not to drink myself to death. I’m having panic attacks.

A bit dramatic, I guess. But my previous girlfriend broke my heart 20yrs ago, and this one just took the other half.

She has a huge family and support system. I have zero. I called the suicide/crisis line but just couldn’t get myself to talk to them. I tried a therapist, but she’s booked for another 2 weeks.

I have nowhere to go. I can’t afford the hotels, but finding a place to rent sickens me.

We live in a tiny house together in the ghetto that we’ve remodeled. It’s in a bad neighborhood but with a beautiful garden. And I actually just bought the neighbor’s house for an investment property. She gave me a check for half last week, but I never cashed it. So I own it outright. It’s a total construction site, but there is a bedroom, fridge, and shower—kind of. (The bed frame and dressers in there was actually from her boss too. She borrowed his truck to get them home. Hand-me-downs that she got when my buddy was going to move in.)

I could stay there and remodel it, but just over the fence is our whole life that we built together.

Neither house is worth much, so I wouldn’t walk away with anything.

She just texted me and said she’s going to work from home now. (I bet her boss just finally got that approved, hoping this won’t end his career.)
She would still need to travel though.

She said she could take time off, or even find a new job if I’d take her back.

I worked really hard supporting her to get to where she is now. I’d hate to see her give it all up.

At the same time, I know they’re going to have another monthly corporate meeting soon, and I could walk in there and announce it to their whole company and ruin them both.

I found him and his wife on Facebook. His kids and grandkids.

I don’t know if I should message his wife or not. It feels like I have a responsibility to, but don’t know if I can or even should.

They’ve probably been married for 30+ years. I don’t want to be the one to destroy their family.

Part of me wants to confront him. Ask to meet and hear his details. It makes me sick to my stomach. My crazy brain wants gross details, and then I want to pull my hair out. Just picturing them naked together makes me sick.

Thing is, I TOTALLY get how she could get wrapped up in that world. I can’t blame her. I actually probably would’ve done the same thing.

She was new to the industry, busting her ass, and it was finally paying off. Top of her field. One of the best in the country. Poised to make six figures this year and plenty more in the future.

The company was putting her up in nice hotels, luxury vehicles, awesome restaurants.

Her boss joining her trips on new accounts, started taking her out to 5-star dinners, filet mignon, bottles of wine/champagne to celebrate her landing huge clients, making them both lots of money. All the while talking about her bright future.

They’d get drunk at dinners, then drinks at the hotels that have a nice romantic jacuzzi… over and over… 🤢

Now I know why my hotel room window on the 4th floor doesn’t open.

I can’t even grieve because I have to navigate the logistics of being homeless right now.

I still just miss her and want to go home. She said she’s going out of town again tonight (alone) for probably 2 nights, so I can "sneak" in and at least shave, do laundry & maybe sleep there tonight. I don’t know if I can handle it.

We aren’t married, so divorce isn’t necessary. No kids and no mixed finances.
We own the home together but it was actually given to us by her ex-stepmom (her dad just cheated too.)
It is a $40k house in the hood. We both spent a ton of time and money renovating it. The other property I bought was $16k. Yes, really. It is in one of the worst cities in America. I don’t plan to make any money from either.

As much as I want her to never see him again, I don’t want to ruin her career. If I were to inform their company, they might terminate her, and not him. It’s a small business and he has connections.

If I tell his wife, she may contact the company and have her fired.

I’m just still in shock.
Please be kind

Of course we’ll be kind, brother. Welcome to the best club no one ever wanted to join. You have friends here.

First of all, I’m sorry you’re in pain.

There’s lots of great articles in the Healing Library that you should peruse. But in the meantime, here are a few things you should do.

First things first, some near-term advice:

* take care of yourself physically. Remember to eat. If your appetite is gone, try protein shakes and power bars. Exercise daily. It will help you feel better, and it will also help you to sleep. If you can’t sleep, a doctor can give you sleeping pills. You can also seek out anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicine as needed. The A-A meds might help with the panic attacks.

* put the beer away. That’s the last thing you need right now, and if you can’t afford hotels, the hell you spending money on booze for?

* Make sure your therapist specializes in betrayal trauma. Is there really only one you can see? Call around maybe.

* get STD testing done.

Yes, you should tell the boss’ wife. It’s the right thing to do. You are not ruining his family, he did that all on his own. She has a right to know. If she contacts the company the most likely outcome is that he gets fired. I’m an "in house counsel" myself. If I had an employee having an affair on company time with a subordinate, I would not be firing the subordinate. I’m not an employment lawyer, but the company would be exposing themselves to a lawsuit from her for sure if that were to happen.

I don’t think you need to confront the AP. I think more bad can come of that than good. Why would he be honest with you?

I’m also not sure why you’d tell the company, unless you’re trying to get him fired (which is fine). But you’re right, she could lose her job too. Like I said, don’t really see a case where just she gets fired, but they both could for sure.

It’s not your fault. Cheaters cheat because of what’s wrong with them, not what’s wrong with their partner. Nothing you did or didn’t do would have prevented this.

Don’t make excuses for her. You probably would have done the same thing? Really?

It sounds like you don’t want to see or hear from her again. Can you ask her to move out? She’s got the family and whatnot in the area, especially if you have nowhere to stay.

It’s really early days for you. Stay with us here, and we’ll try to help you through it.

Just bumping this to the top. You back in the house Plaidbartender?

She’s been living a fantasy and now that she’s busted reality has just set in. If she leaves her job she doesn’t get to be the high flyer anymore. If she stays in the job she is going to keep fucking him no matter what she says. She knows he is never going to leave his wife but is content to be his fuck buddy as long as she gets her monetary compensation. There must be 1000 movies and shows where this gets played out. It never ends well. And why do you believe it was only a year?

You are feeling sick now, but to be honest you are lucky. Think how it would be if you were married with kids. Take a moment and reflect upon all the special moments over the last year that you now know were tainted. Where you know that she was just going thru the motions while setting up her next fantasy fest. This is a consummate user you got here. That get a dog line was brutal. Both you and the old married guy are the suckers. 10 to 1 if this came out at work she will lawyer up and demand money while playing the victim. 5 to 1 she has already claimed to you that she was taken advantage of. Or that she was trying to end it but couldn’t quite get it done.

You can walk away now clean or you can spend the next five years attempting to somehow overcome this with no guarantee that you won’t walk out when you are fifty five.

You are probably wondering if she was ever honest with you, if there were others or if she even knows what truth is. You can be sure that there were knowing smiles at the Christmas party, perhaps a smile behind your back. You can beat yourself up forever and you will never forget this discovery. Or you can accept that you see the real her. Believe what you see. She failed the relationship test. Act and save yourself.

And yes you can blame her and no you wouldn’t have done this. Do not give her a pass like this.
You can make it in business without sleeping your way to the top.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 3:55 AM, Saturday, August 22nd]

I really appreciate the responses and all of your advice.

I spent 5 days in a hotel with only alcohol and my thoughts and thought I was going to die. It was absolute hell.

I have a very small support system and told the only 3 people I thought would care but most people just don’t know what it’s like or what to say.

I felt all alone.

Surprisingly, I found some support on reddit. Some people were pretty harsh but that’s the internet for you and "tough love" -I guess.

I spent day six back at the house.
Sorting through my belongings, frantically purging old things that I don’t really need anymore. I took mental inventory of how much stuff I actually have, what is hers and how fast can I move out if necessary.

I washed clothes, packed my bag, got all my cash and passport. Spent the night drinking heavily with the old neighbor, spilling my guts and crying on his shoulder a little.

Passed out in our tainted bed for a few hours and woke up still drunk. I meticulously put the house back exactly the way it was and left again.

I didn’t want her to know I was even there. I wanted her to wonder where I was and worry like I did when she was away.
Unfortunately, she messaged an old friend, (one of the 3 people I told) and they said I was okay and staying in a hotel nearby my job.

She has been messaging occasionally, mostly just updating me about her day, which I’ve ignored but today she said she was going to pack me some more clothes and bring them to my work. I had no choice but to respond.

I told her to stay away from my job and just let me know when she’s out of state again so I can use the house.

I said; "I haven’t even had time too process what happened because now I’m homeless, living in hotels, spending all of my money just trying to survive the consequences of your choices.
I have a thousand problems to deal with right now because of what you’ve done."

She offered to help pay for some of the hotel, (she has a ton of hotel points because of her "fuck trips.")

As hard as it was to do, I reluctantly agreed. I had a moment of "why not use her, like she used me" kind of thing. I don’t know if it was the right thing to do or not. Hard to swallow my pride but she has a huge support system and plenty of money & points.

I told her I booked the next 3 nights and if she could help with points or something for next week, it would help a little financially. She initiated it online but I haven’t received any yet.

She’s been staying with her mom mostly but checking on the house and garden. She’s sending me her travel itinerary so I know when the house is clear but it’s just so depressing being there, not sure I want to stay there again anytime soon.

She said she doesn’t want to be there without me so, it’s just sitting empty. It’s an hour from my work and would be hard to make the commute without someone to come home to.

I have to make some serious choices about where I’m going to be living.

I’m on day 7 today. My nervous system is shot. It was a serious bender and I can’t keep it up anymore. I’ve been operating on zero sleep and solely on alcohol, caffeine and adrenaline.

I just took a short swim in the hotel pool and I’m taking the night off of drinking. Substituting it with a puff of weed though. I’m still wrecked but maybe, finally, starting to catch my breath a little. It’s just coming in waves now.

I went somewhere today where they needed my emergency contact, and I realized that I don’t have anyone anymore. I gave them a fake number.
Went I got in the car, I just lost it again and cried like a baby.

I have a very busy weekend with work but maybe it’ll be a good distraction.

t’s mostly unanimous online that I should tell the guy’s wife. I’m just not ready yet.

I still have a crazy, terrible desire to get more evidence. I know it’s just going to cause me more pain but my sick brain keeps asking questions.

I know she deleted her messages but really doubt she knows they can easily be recovered. If I see her in the next 30 days, and ask to see her phone, I could recover everything AND see if she’s still lying now.

I know it’s a terrible idea. As someone said, "if you go looking for pain, you’ll find it."

Thanks again for all the supportive advice (and the kick in the ass)

Tell his wife. Blow up his world, the chances are that he has been doing this for a while and she needs to know.
Also please call a support helpline if you feel overwhelmed. Take care of yourself, remember that you are the prize not her.

Plaid,

Expose the OM at work, threaten a lawsuit against the company to the upper management, don't warn or threaten before exposure. OM has done this before.

[This message edited by survrus at 8:21 AM, Saturday, August 22nd]

Have you considered some professional help to support you right now?

I’d suggest you stop drinking & smoking and face the pain head on and process everything. The clearer your head the better decisions you may make.

I understand not wanting to be at your home. It is very painful. But you may need to get past it so you don’t end up in even more debt.

You need to start hoarding your $ in a separate account that the spouse has no access to. Just in case.

You don’t have to make major decisions right now. But you do need to eat and sleep and avoid alcohol and drugs that are not prescribed.

Ok, Buster, i’m older than you so I’m going to tell you straight out STOP DRINKING!!!!! it does the actual opposite of what you think it’s doing. It’s depressing you. It is not an upper that you’re looking for. What you’re looking for is out of reach right now so you have to be realistic. Your wife has cheated on you. You cannot make that go away. We don’t get do overs in this life. So you need to sit down and look at your finances. You definitely need to see a doctor about help with that terrible anxiety you’re living with right now. Again, please stop drinking. We have an alcoholic in our family who has been sober for a couple of years and we finally have gotten back the person that we love. Please stop. Don’t do this to yourself. You have worth. Somewhere on this planet, is someone who’s thinking about you right now and actually there are a bunch of us online. Please eat. Again it was suggested liquid. If you can’t do anything else try those ensure type liquid drinks because they generally have the nutrition that you need.

I am just so very sorry this has happened to you because there’s nothing in the world worse than being treated this way and we all know it. That’s why when you look at the number of people who’ve come on here, you will see that we are in the thousands and thousands. And every day there’s a new person on here just trying to hold on with their fingernails. We’ve got you to the best of our ability, but please use your support system there and you only need two or three people. You don’t need an orchestra. What you need is someone who will sit with you and just let you gripe. Sending an internet hug to you.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 1:40 PM, Saturday, August 22nd]

Ok, you had your bender. But at some point, you need to heal, and you can’t heal at the bottom of a bottle.

Reddit’s a good place to get harsh, tough love. There’s two subreddits for infidelity, really, and in one you can’t say anything nice about reconciliation and in the other you can’t say anything bad about reconciliation.

The real world’s not so black and white, either/or, one size fits all, you know? Splitting up does not guarantee healing. Many have done so, but have stayed stuck in anger and bitterness and hurt. Reconciling does not guarantee that you’ll always feel like a chump and never be happy again. There are people here who have reconciled and are very happy.

What determines the outcome, as best I can tell, is RECOVERING and then figuring out what’s the right move for you.

If cheating’s a dealbreaker for you, then you guys should sell the house (or one of you buys the other out) and you should block her and move on with your life.

If you think you might take her back, then take whatever time you need.

It’s only been 7 days. You can change your mind back and forth.

If you are not getting back together, don’t ask for more details. They will definitely hurt.

If you are getting back together, then know this: yes, she is almost certainly still lying. That is human nature, unfortunately. Or at least how waywards behave. There’s something called Trickle Truth, which is what it sounds like. There are obviously details you don’t know. Plus, you don’t even know if the affair is over.

Has she told her mom the truth?

Ignore the advice above about going to the company and demanding compensation. As a BF you have no standing for alienation of affection.

The question is this. Is it in your interests to see her fired right now? If she is jobless as you attempt to navigate the new reality is that better? Know that getting her fired won’t stop her being a side piece and in fact may put her in a position of relying on OM for support.

There may be a time to burn them both to the ground but now may not be the time.

Also, from your last post it seems she is adjusting to your absence quite readily. Note she has not made any changes but continues on in the job and plans on leaving again. When she is not at work she spends time with her family who no doubt have determined that her choices were reasonable. Sooner than you think she will accept being single again and move on with her happy little life. You need to be getting a place to live and start living like a normal person instead of worrying about what she is or is not doing. Free your mind and your ass will follow.

Brother, I’m not one of the veterans around this site but having just gone through a revelation like yours about 5 months ago, I really feel what you’re going through. It sounds like some scary thoughts are going through your head. I had the same thoughts. The loss of some of the basic assumptions about your life feels like something you’ll never recover from. Please believe me, this is temporary.
It is probably impossible to feel right now but your brain is figuring out how to recover from a tremendous shock. You might feel like you’re in a weird autopilot mode, but that is kind of a defense mechanism. That will get better soon, try not to worry about the weird feeling. The heart seems to take longer to recover.
I’m not through this yet, by any means, but I just want you to know that the first weeks feel like hell. Anxiety, panic, depression, they’re all part of this. In a few days/weeks you’ll start to get your feet back under you and feel a little better, no matter what eventually happens with your relationship.
If I can just make a couple of suggestions. Put the bottle down as much as possible, it numbs the pain but it doesn’t help you figure anything out. Maybe ask the therapist you spoke to if she would give you a short amount of time over the phone just get your story out. Some therapists give you like a 15 minute introductory session to see if you’re a good fit with them. If not, and you have no other options, keep writing on here. You don’t have to follow anyone’s advice but it helps you work it through your head.
I promise you, a lot of what you feel now is shock and real trauma. That gets better despite whatever happens with your relationship. You sound like a good guy and if you had the balls to buy and reno a house in the hood, you’ve got some toughness in you. That toughness is still there.

Why are so many here missing this critical fact from OP??

We aren’t married, so divorce isn’t necessary. No kids and no mixed finances.

You need to tell the APs wife. She deserves to know she’s been screwed over just like you have been.

I agree, you should reach out to his wife because she has a right to know what is going on in her life

I will say you are lucky that you are not married and you don't have kids. Things are much much more complicated when this happens and there is marriage and kids involved.

My advice is to sell the house and make a clean break. She has invested a lot of time getting to where she is and it would be very difficult for her to give that up, especially the lifestyle she enjoys while traveling with her boss. Imagine how you will feel the next time she says "I have to go on a business trip with my boss but trust me, but nothing will happen". It will be impossible for you to believe that

You should also get yourself checked for STDs. You have no idea if they have been safe and not to throw salt on an open wound but it's possible she's been with other people too

A good therapist with experience dealing with trauma may help you immensely. Also, the drinking will only temporarily numb the pain and I speak from experience. For a while I was going through about a bottle of wine a day :/

You have found a great place for support and advice. Post as often as you want and we will try to help you however we can