I don't think it's true that you didn't know that your relationship with OW was approaching or crossing the boundary or that your guard "slipped;" you described feeling the alarm start ringing, and still continuing on with interacting with OW.
I’ll tell you exactly what happened there. My OW and I had gotten quite close already. In hindsight, maybe we were already too close. My OW asked me if my wife was really OK with my OW and me being so close. The question startled me into recognition that we had indeed become very close, and I could understand why a spouse might object — because a spouse might be worried that a relationship between a heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman so close could lead to or signify an affair. Notice: I did not say that a spouse would object because we were already in an affair. I’m not gonna deny that the question made me scared because I feared a truthful answer would repel my friend. I was also a tiny bit afraid that the relationship could become an affair. However, I was only a tiny bit of afraid of that because OW and I live literally an Ocean apart from each other. I supposed we could conceivably go on to have a sexting relationship, but knowing her and knowing myself as I already did, I did not think either of us would ever—I’m sorry if this expression wounds anyone—stoop to sexting. Maybe this is old-fashioned of me, but I thought of my OW—and still do—as a "lady," not as a "hussy." I tend to put women conceptually on pedestals. In point of fact, I was correct: we never sexted. (Actually, I’ve never sexted with anyone—not even with my wife—not even during our mostly long-distance courtship. Sex was reserved for visits.) Where I was wrong was: my OW and I shared too deeply with each other. If we didn’t have soul closeness, I probably wouldn’t today miss her so much. But, at the time, I did not think that bonding, even incredibly deeply (like we had), was maritally prohibited.
This is a little tangential, but if my wife & I do fix our marriage, the idea of sexting with her sounds… kinda stimulating. Although… we’d probably both be really bad at it. LOL! "What are you wearing? Oh, I dunno… Some comfy sweat pants and a T-shirt. Why?"
I wondered how on Earth I could keep myself from doing it again if I had the moral compass to feel certain that infidelity was wrong and the corresponding boundaries that theoretically should have been enough to keep me from cheating… and I just ignored and betrayed that anyway? That's where the internal Work comes in, where we fix what allowed us to ignore the alarms and the boundaries, so that they're actually effective going forward.
I still really don’t know what in God‘s name you mean when you talk about "Internal Work, but I am glad you solved that riddle. I feel that I chiefly screwed up because of ignorance of risk and trusting myself too much not to be a skirt-chaser after so many years of good behavior.
Counter-ask to your Counter-ask: What would it take for you to trust that your wife would keep her marital commitments to you? To trust that she's going to reopen connection and intimacy with you in the future, when it's been so lacking previously? And how long do you think it would take before that trust re-forms completely?
If she tells me she’ll do better, I’ll believe her. In a way, I believe she’s already done the work… because she is showing up to counseling sessions! I’m not interested in making her life harder than it already is. I’m not embittered toward her yet!
[This message edited by Unconventional at 12:01 AM, Friday, October 9th]
