SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A lil over 5 months ago my husband & I (just celebrated 32 yrs married, 33 together, 5 kids) got into an argument & something I thought had happened around our 10 year I brought up again. It had been starting to bother me off & on for the last couple of years. He had a 1 night stand with his ex before me. She was his 1st & they were together for about 2 years. She left him at the fair. So 1 year we got free tickets, he didn't want to go at all but I grew up with good memories with my dad at the fair & wanted our kids to experience it. Well, she ran into him, he didn't even recognize her & she had to tell him who she was. Come to find out she threw her phone # at him on the ride, I was in a different cart on the same ride, so didn't even see it or I would've went to jail. Anyhow, it threw his head into a spin. He attempted to contact her dad to talk to him, he says in hopes he could explain what the odds were that that would happen. Well dad never got the message but she did & called him. They started a phone thing, only talking, he tried to talk to her about how he treated her & similarities of the bad ways he treated me. We're self employed & 1 night he was staying out to get some work done over night, which he did very often. A lot of details are foggy & timelines cause it was about 22 years ago. Well she showed up where he was, he insists he never told her where he was or invited her to visit him. He said he was just about asleep when she showed up, scared the poop out of him walking up in the dark. But then they went to get something to eat, she had gotten a motel room, so they went back to it & then IT happened. Shortly after I knew they were talking on the phone, I accused him of cheating, he promised me all they had done was rehash their past & hug & kiss. He was my 1st & I loved him with all of me. The way he lived me I never worried about him betraying me in that way, so I chose to believe him. Every once in a while it would fester up & I would ask. He would say no. But this last time when he finally confessed, I used the F word. He said he was afraid he would lose me if I knew the truth. He always wanted to tell me but then something would happen on timing & he couldn't do it. I'm staying, because we've got 5 kids, a grand kid, & 33 years of history. I love this man with all my heart & I did try to cheat on him in hopes I would love him less & it wouldn't hurt as bad but could never go through with it. He has disclosed to me all that he remembers & even more that has come back to his remembrance, but timeline is still very foggy, it was a long time ago. I've told him about what I tried. We're healing, he said it was just the once & he felt remorse immediately. Another woman tried to get him & he quickly shut it down a couple years later. I believe him. Anyhow, he's trying to figure out how & why he could've done that to me & is truly trying to love me the way I deserve. I've forgiven him, but at the root, my heart still hurts so very bad at the thought of them together, I can't get it out of my head. Also the surrealness that I'm in a recurring nightmare & it didn't really happen.

[This message edited by Feelingweak41 at 7:08 PM, Tuesday, October 6th]

Dear Feelingweak,

Please do not let the time trick you. It is as if has happened the moment he confessed. In fact the time makes it more complex. You are experiencing what is called Betrayal Trauma. It is a very serious condition. It changes your reality and affects your brain. Find a Betrayal Trauma Specialist and get therapy. They can help you through. Search Dr. Jake Porter on YouTube and watch his content. Seek God like never before.

Please realize all the ups and downs, the fog, the fear, the anxiety, the deep anguish....it is all normal. Your husband did you and your marriage a great evil.

He needs to read book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda McDonald.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 5:16 AM, Wednesday, October 7th]

If you’re not already, you should see a therapist, especially one who specializes in betrayal trauma, to help you work through this.

He should be in therapy too, that will help him figure out how and why he could do it.

I’m sorry for your suffering Feelingweak.

You finding out right after it happened would have hurt, finding out about it decades later hurts worse because it feels like the relationship has been built on a lie. How did he end up in a different cart on the carnival ride? If you went to the fair together that doesn't make sense, unless you were with the kids? Did he know who she was before he sat down with her on the ride? If so, what the hell was he thinking?

So his story is she gave him her number, he called hoping to speak with her dad about the odds of your husband and his ex-girlfriend meeting at the fair? If I am understanding that correctly it is laughably BS. My theory is he wanted to talk to her and his cover story is he wanted to talk to her dad

What is his job that keeps him out overnight somewhere yet he can sleep? And she didn't just show up on accident, he told her where he would be. Now I am making an assumption but how else could she have randomly showed up and he just happened to be there on an overnight shift? My BS bell is ringing LOUDLY.

I have a suggestion. Tell him to write out a complete timeline as best he can remember, leaving out no detail no matter how small. When he is finished ask him if this is everything and if he says yes then ask him if he is willing to take a polygraph test. If his immediate response is yes then there is a chance he was honest but if he says no or he stalls or starts asking why, then you can probably assume he wasn't honest and only wrote enough in hopes it would pacify you.

The general consensus is that it takes two to three years for a person to process through learning about infidelity and years beyond that slowly trying to rebuild trust. But when the BS has lingering thoughts as to whether or not the WS was completely honest, R is VERY difficult.

I echo the suggestions that you find and IC that specializes in betrayal trauma. He also needs to find an IC to help him fix himself. Please do not try to repair the relationship on your own, he broke it, and now it's up to him to do the heavy lifting.

A truly remorseful spouse will drag their naked butt through miles of broken glass if it would help repair the damage the/she has caused.

This forum is an amazing place for advice and support. I wish I had found it sooner.